Ben Affleck Must Be
Bludgeoned Like a Piñata
by Alice Teeple
I hate Ben Affleck movies. Man, do I ever. And do you know why
I hate Ben Affleck movies?
I hate that smarmy grin. I hate those frat-boy looks. I
hate that frat-boy attitude. Why the hell is this guy all over the place,
grinning like a jack-o-lantern? Why is he a big-deal teen heartthrob?
for Ben Affleck goes way back, back to my grammar school days, when our
teacher made us watch Voyage of the Mimi: a PBS show about a crotchety
sailor, a boat, and these kids looking for whales or something. One of
those kids was a young, spritely Ben Affleck. I did not like him then,
even though I did not know then that he would become the entity of acting
banality that he is today.
Then, Oscar in hand from riding on everybody's coattails, Ben Affleck's
already-large head swelled to the size of Greenland. Ben Affleck
got in even bigger movies, like Shakespeare In Love and Armageddon.
You could barely find a magazine
cover that didn't have his simian mugshot gracing it, or reporting about
his romance with the ever-skeletal Gwyneth Paltrow. But when I saw
that this summer's stupid Disney (I also hate Disney) blockbuster, Pearl
Harbor, starred my favourite moron, I got angry. Good and angry.
I got good and angry around the same time that I was thinking of games
to be played at my friend's upcoming party.
I discussed Ben Affleck being in Pearl Harbor with my friend Sean. Sean harbours an equal dislike for Ben Affleck. We thought about getting our unicycle gangs together and starting a violent rumble with Ben Affleck.
"I want to punch his smug face...with my fist!" said Sean.
"I want to pull his hair and poke him until he cries!" I replied.
Sean said a good game that we could play at our party would be the
"Give Ben Affleck a Severe Beating" Game.
"We could cover Ben Affleck up in papîer mache and beat him with sticks!" I suggested.
"Then you'd have an excuse, because then you'd think he was a piñata," replied Sean.
"Right, and then when he doesn't break and give us some candy, then we could beat him some more!" I added.
"But instead of busting him open and spilling out cheap bulk candy, you'd get the sweet, warm entrails of Ben Affleck. Which you can wear on your head."
I wonder if Ben Affleck is available to rent for bridal showers.
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